Milk – It’s AllWhite innit?

Time was, when milk was just milk, but then it all changed.  Back when stacked boots and purple loon pants were in, the tops were either silver or gold.  Milk tops that is, as in full fat, or really, really, fully full fat.  Now’s it’s more rainbow like, in an inclusive way with: blue, green or red tops, holding sway.  But guys, have you tried those thin ‘milks’.  Who’s buying them?  The normally zealous trade description rule makers should make the dairies call it grey water sink waste.  Has a certain ring to it, but a not too sexy one, granted.  But it’s more on the money surely – the money they must pay people to drink it, whilst blindfold.

They Called Him Ernie

Eh, when I were a lad, Ernie could be relied upon.  Not only could he draw out the winning Premium Bond numbers, he was also oh, so, funny, and even Wise.  As in Eric and Ernie on Saturday nights in black and white telly time.  Just like the milk, there was nothing grey about it – unless you owned a Pye 12 inch.

Benny Hill was that old style Milkman, singing a happy song as he trundled along the streets delivering milky stuff to all and sundry.  Best known for his double entendres, he’d give her one (a milk bath) while being asked “do you want it pasteurised ‘cause pasteurised is best” – “Madam, I’ll be happy if it comes up to me chest”.

Hemp Milk – Tempting For Timothy Leary

I stayed with a friend the other week, and I went to the fridge.  Now there’s a first for my thirst.  Knocking myself up a three course breakfast – well a cup of coffee as a starter, I thought I’d sling in some milk.  Big mistake.  On opening the fridge, there it was: hemp milk.  Wow, I thought Timothy had finally come of age, turned on and tuned in, right onto the middle shelf.  The month before I had only just been introduced to almond milk, so that was all a bit too fast lane, for a slow thinker.  Just where, pray tell, are the teets on almonds?  Now I know you can get nuts on prize bulls, (some with particularly low hanging fruit) but nuts on lady cows, surely not?

Hemp milk is, apparently, plant milk but of a type where the hemp seeds are soaked in water, then ground down to release their milky substance.  For us fans of high fat diets, hemp milk is full of Omega 3 fats, but some bulky ‘hemp’ milks contain gums, thickeners and artificial sweeteners.  There are different flavour options too, organic (what isn’t, if it’s grown), unsweetened and chocolate, vanilla and other taste bud ticklers.  Recently launched, is the World’s first hemp milk liquor, alcohol but no dairy.  It must be the new thing – for the truly health conscious.  Is it me.

Baristas (and customer tasters?) are said to prefer hemp milk as it improves the Baristas art, compared with say, soy milk.  Again, is it me x 3?  It’s all beginning to remind me of those fridge magnets: ‘latte is Italian, for I think you paid too much for that coffee’.  Doubtless these are high priced products.  Someone must be taking the urine – but then I’ll await extra virgin peenut milk with special interest.

Intolerant, Moi?

What with most milk being made of water it’s actually the lactose (a disaccharide) that bulks it up and paints it a natural shade of white.  The ‘lac’ part signifies that it’s milk, and the ‘ose’ confirms it’s also part sugar (as in fructose, maltose, and sucrose).  Moving from O in the alphabet back to A, lactase is an enzyme which, via biochemical action, breaks down lactose – making it accessible in the body.

It seems that more and more people are becoming lactose intolerant – perhaps there’s something in the water (or milk?).  So, who or what is to blame and just what are the drivers?  Is there a Lawyer in the cow shed – they’re normally good at milking things.  More so, as modern milk, some say, is laced full of hormones, antibiotics, pesticides and of course, cuddly kitten, glyphosate – that most, of must haves: herbicides.

Hold The Front Page

So let’s sip something that’s completely nuts. But not so fast Tonto, as major almond milk producer Blue Diamond has just recalled their Vanilla Almond Breeze ‘milk’ from 28 US States due to ‘contamination’.  Because it’s not completely nuts.  It seems, that Almond Breeze has been, wait for it, contaminated by… cow’s milk.  The ‘milk’ had a use by date 1 month hence, which, for milk, seems more than nuts – if we think back in history.  The New York Post no less, even ran an article which talked of contamination with actual milk.

Coming shortly with new warnings – these nuts may contain: nuts, but hidden.  (That’ll be the peanut oil, also known as ‘Adjuvant 65’ as found in vaccines – but that’s a whole new blog).  Not just almond milk, it seems you can knock up milk from flax, coconut flesh, hazelnuts and cashews too.

Goats Milk, I kid you not.

Cow’s milk contains around 15% fatty acids, while goats milk has more than double that, making it better for (us) high fat diet fans.  Many people who are lactose intolerant to cow’s milk find they can better tolerate goats milk, especially if it is raw.  That is, if the Thought Police haven’t stepped in and tasered farmer Bill and farmer Betty for selling unpasteurised ‘raw’ milk.  On the other side of the coin, PETA (People for Ethical Treatment of Animals) ask, nay plead with you, to stay away from any dairy milk and the animal harms that dairy milk may cause.  But that’s the issue surely, nothing is black and white and conscious care in farming is ever more the norm – even if, like truth, some milk is often a lighter shade of grey.

The consumer holds more and more sway as we increasingly eat with our eyes, taste buds and conscience – on the way to accessing our wallets.  But most of all, let’s avoid any bull and work out who is milking who and those ‘dairy / non-dairy facts’ for all they’re worth.